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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25172662">The loneliness of love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/noaHK99/pseuds/noaHK99'>noaHK99</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magnus Archives (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5+1 Things, Angst, Canon Asexual Character, Loneliness, M/M, Pining, kind of</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:15:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,904</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25172662</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/noaHK99/pseuds/noaHK99</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a certain loneliness to being in love and not saying anything<br/>"Living together the past week had been exactly what they both needed, but it also felt incredibly lonely. Lonely in a different way, in a 'censoring yourself' kind of way. "<br/>--<br/>Alternatively:<br/>5 times jon wanted to say "i love you" and 1 time he did</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Martin Blackwood &amp; Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, martin blackwood/jonathon "jon" sims| the archivist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The loneliness of love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello, this is basically me projecting very heavily onto Jon, enjoy ;)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>1<br/>
Waking up from a coma made Jon feel apart from the concept of time. He had lost 6 months in what felt like the blink of an eye.<br/>
And suddenly Tim and Daisy were gone. It was his fault. It was all his fault.<br/>
Losing Martin almost hurt more. Because Martin had been a constant in his time at the archives so far. Always somewhere close if needed.<br/>
How could so much have changed in so little time?<br/>
A few weeks after being returning to the Archives, Jon was spiralling. This, of course, was nothing new after all the things he had lived through. But as he sat alone in his office, having now lost Daisy and Tim and Sasha, and being hated by those left alive, Jon needed some fresh air. And to maybe find the one person who didn’t hate him.<br/>
Martin<br/>
But what would he say?<br/>
He couldn’t hunt down his old assistant and beg him for validation.<br/>
To say I miss you.<br/>
I miss you so much<br/>
Did he miss Martin, or was it just desperation fuelled by loneliness?<br/>
Stepping out of the archives for a smoke break, Jon saw him.<br/>
“oh hello”<br/>
<i>Martin<br/>
I’ve missed you.<br/>
I love you.<br/>
Wait what? <i><br/>
“hello Martin. It’s good to see you again.”<br/>
Being back was lonely, but he’d figure it out.<br/>
--<br/>
2<br/>
“I loved you, you know” echoes in Jon’s mind.<br/>
On some level he did know that. He had tried to not think about love since Georgie. That relationship had failed, and made him realise that he didn’t actually understand love, what it meant to be in a relationship. So he had tried to avoid thinking about it, telling himself that he was too busy with his job and the mess of the supernatural to even think about love.<br/>
And that had worked, till Martin.<br/>
They had only just left the Lonely, both being half supported by other, feeling many emotions at once. Jon looked up at Martin, to see him looking back. But neither of them knew what to say. Until.<br/>
“I’m glad you’re okay” Jon finally managed to get out a sentence. He wants to say more. To explain everything. To ask everything.<br/>
“Yeah uhh. I’m glad you found me” Martin shrugs , trying to say sorry with his body language. He fears that saying it out loud may start an emotional spiral<br/>
<i>Of course<i>, Jon wants to say<br/>
<i>I love you. I don’t know what that means yet but I love you<i><br/>
But he doesn’t say it, and they continued on. Neither yet sure where they were going, but they’d figure it out.<br/>
--<br/>
3<br/>
They did figure it out, a week later they were starting to settle in at the safe house. Daisy had assured them it was fine, and Basira had promised to help settle things for them back home. Jon found himself remembering that they used to not be friends. Basira suspected him of murder. Daisy once tried to kill him, she thought he was a monster. And although he wasn’t human anymore, not exactly, he was thinking a lot about what constitutes monstrosity. Is being non-human enough? What are the criteria? Could Martin love a monster?<br/>
Not that it mattered, but living together the past week had been exactly what they both needed, but it also felt incredibly lonely. Lonely in a different way, in a “censoring yourself” kind of way.<br/>
Because living together made him think of what it would be like to actually be together. To be in a relationship. Thus remembering that <i>no<i>, they were just “platonic buddies hiding together in a safe house” hurt.<br/>
And Jon knew that Martin didn’t really know how to act around him. And he knew that he didn’t know how to act around Martin. This became painfully obvious one morning when they both were in the kitchen, bleary eyed and trying to work around one another for breakfast. They had wildly different eating habits, but their limited budget and their want to be inconspicuous limited their options. And so they were stuck with making toast.<br/>
But who was in charge of toasting the bread? Who would make the tea? Would they sit at the table? Would they sit together and talk? Would they avoid eye contact and speed through the meal so that they could continue with their day? Would it be awkward?<br/>
Why was it still so awkward?<br/>
<i>Because I don’t know how to act around him. Because I love him. <i><br/>
But Jon refused to fully admit it. Because that would make it awkward. Because Martin loved him, past tense. Because he had spent the past 10 years not knowing what love is and he wasn’t sure he had figured it out.<br/>
Society seemed to think loving someone, and having a relationship meant kissing, and sex. Jon couldn’t relate. He knew what it meant when he said he loved his friends, and he knew he loved Martin that way, but different. Maybe.<br/>
And even if Martin still loved him, Jon had no idea what love meant to Martin. Love having so many different meanings and interpretations could be very frustrating.<br/>
Things were still awkward, but Jon was convinced they would get used to each other soon. Fall into some kind of rhythm. They also had to work on a plan, about everything with Elias and the institute. They’d figure things out<br/>
--<br/>
4<br/>
They were walking into town, for groceries. It was a small town, with old buildings and cobbled stones. A tight knit community with the two of them on the outskirts. Sometimes Jon questioned the wisdom of coming to such a small town, where he was sure that they stood out like a sore thumb.<br/>
Seeing normal families going about their lives hurt. It brought about what ifs. What if Jon had never joined the institute. What if his parents had lived. What if he and Martin were together and had a normal relationship. What if they could hold hands. What if they were safe. What if they had normal, not dangerous lives. What if.<br/>
He still hadn’t talked to Martin, about their relationship, about why things had been awkward. Although things had definitely fallen into place, they’d found their rhythm in living together. They were becoming friends again.<br/>
They had even been shopping enough times now to have a rhythm for that too. They would plan their meals, take inventory of what was still in the cupboards, and go into town on market days. They were even starting to recognise different faces that they’d seen in town before. It was slowly becoming home.<br/>
But there was the problem that he and Martin didn’t actually know anybody.<br/>
Jon knew that he was going stir-crazy, with only his own thoughts and Martin to keep him company. Martin probably felt the same way. So maybe making friends would help them both, but maybe it would solidify the fact that nobody else could get involved. That they refused to endanger more lives. That nobody else would understand what was going on.<br/>
Jon didn’t think about that often, but it was a relief to be able to talk to Martin again. The months at the institute had been hard, when he’d been mostly by himself and Martin was avoiding him. It was great to remember that even if he was still lonely, at least he had Martin.<br/>
Jon looked down at Martin’s hands and suddenly just really wanted to hold them. To have a solid connection. To feel less alone. To maybe nonverbally say <i>I love you<i>.<br/>
But he couldn’t. Because telling someone you love them places the burden on them. Makes it their problem if they don’t love you back. Makes things awkward again. And Jon refused to be a burden. Refused to make things awkward again.<br/>
--<br/>
5<br/>
They were both sitting in the living room, drinking tea and absorbed in their respective books. There weren’t many books in the safehouse, they hadn’t thought to bring many and Daisy wasn’t much of a reader.<br/>
So when Jon looked up upon finishing his chapter, he wasn’t surprised to notice Martin frowning at his book, before sighing and putting his book down too.<br/>
“You okay there?” jon asked with a smirk.<br/>
“It’s so frustrating!” Martin starts, he takes a deep breath like he’s going to get into a whole rant. “I hate rereading books. I always have. I know you’d expect it to be the opposite, with my love of poetry, where you read it repeatedly to get the bigger picture. But this isn’t poetry. This is a book where they are 100% trusting somebody who has already betrayed them, and who I now know for a fact will betray them again in about 2 chapters. It’s so frustrating, and it’s also making me a bit worried about us. What we’re doing. Our uh situation.” He pauses again, “if this were a book, is there something big that we’re missing that would make the person reading our story very frustrated?”<br/>
<i>I love you<i>, Jon thinks. Just witnessing Martin being completely himself is always a gift, to hear him talk, to be in the same room, to exist in the same space.<br/>
“That’s very philosophical Martin. I suppose one could find anything to be frustrated about in any one moment. Like I know you’re currently frustrated that I haven’t done the dishes yet. But yeah, Basira and Daisy haven’t reached out yet so maybe that’s frustrating. The fact that we should have figured something out by now.”<br/>
They do have a lot more to figure out, but sitting together in the living room, it doesn’t feel too pressing. It’s just nice to not feel lonely for a second.  <br/>
--<br/>
+1<br/>
“Hey Jon, I was wondering if you had a moment to uh talk?”<br/>
Jon looked up from his notebook, and hesitated a second before responding “yeah, I’ll make us some tea?”<br/>
He doesn’t know why Martin seems nervous, seems to be hyping himself up. He knows that he’s suddenly nervous too, just because Martin is. Because somebody wanting to talk generally means something bad is about to happen.<br/>
As he pours them both tea, he sees Martin steel himself and then<br/>
“I love you”<br/>
Oh<br/>
“And god, I know that’s a shitty thing to put on you, now that we’re staying together and we still have to see each other every day and. Honestly, it’s just been lonely keeping this inside of me, and it got to a point where I just thought it would just be better to be honest and. I hope this doesn’t ruin anything for us. I like that we’re friends again. I like us.”<br/>
Jon isn’t too sure what to say. But Martin is now looking at him, his face pleading jon to say something, anything.<br/>
“Well uh. I actually love you too. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and didn’t want to burden you with it so thank you for saying something.”<br/>
It sounds so stiff, like a business transaction on his end. He’s trying so hard to not say too much, to not be too intense.<br/>
To talk about everything that’s been on his mind. To talk about the last few months, to talk about what love means to both of them, to talk about their future, to talk.<br/>
But this is a start to feeling less lonely. They love each other.</i>
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